whats bugging me these days, just my inner thoughts that are so irritating and annoying

first up;

i dont wanna grow up.

i dont like to work. i wanna school like how i did. i want NIE so badly :(

i want to go school and having to wake up early and sometimes be late for class.

didnt realise i miss school so much, eh.

then now, im starting to work and all, which starts tmr at the Science Centre

its gonna be a month kind of thing. and this whole month, also means i cant meet boyfriend.

irritating as it is.

i cant go out on weekends with my boyfriend. with my parents like that and all.

pretty much feel like i have no life.

so annoying to see people on fb posting up their pictures with the other half and i cant even meet my other half so often, and its so irritating.

i dont know why im feeling like this but not boyfriend.

[well i told him about this and he said he did, but its just that he didnt say anything about it because he knows there is nothing that he can do. alright, point taken. ]

thenn the problem with me not having to meet my boyfriend cause we are both working. and he working shift and all. well at least he said somedays that he is not working, he will be sending me home and all, so yeah. okay~

im just afraid if we are drifting apart. him with his work and mine working too. :(
thenn if i never work, i wont have money. and i would never start saving.

seriously, i do wanna start saving. for the future, for our engagement this year. but im like so lost?

im still waiting for NIE. its been nearly a month plus. & then i also wanna get a full time job. if i gave up on NIE now, later ill regret, because its been only a month plus :/ then if i keep thinking of NIE then wait wait wait then never get, there goes my time wasted.

i dont like to work contract jobs. not one month kind of thing. although i gain a lot of experience with the different kind of jobs, but its like as if im job hopping. its really not what i want.

the point is.

i want NIE but i also wanna start saving money fast. i really have no idea if that is even possible?

so the conclusion to this is that, ill do this Science Centre job and then ill just save whatever i can, whatever possible, and at the end of the month, i will finish my temp event assistant job and also if by then, NIE havent reply yet, then so be it. i will be officially give up and find a full time job.

then can start saving properly for engagement.

i really wanna get engage this year, on my 21st birthday. im not getting any younger.

will be heartbreaking if i didnt get to NIE but either which, at least I could save up for the engagement :) win-win

so whats next.

i keep seeing pregnant or young couples with little toddlers around, and keep imagining myself being one. a mother, a wife. a young one. :D

imagining myself with my junior. starting as a baby. with lots of cute dresses (which i saw at Kiddy Palace, while finding present for my niece birthday)

and cute little shirts like "i love mummy" that kind. such adorable sweetheart.

then they grow a little older. when they just starting to walk. and its like so cute. im gonna get them little dresses. with nice shoes. and during hari raya, can u imagine, me and my husband (insyaallah, my current boyfriend, ridzman) and our little girl/little boy.

then the girl wear baju kurong and starting to walk that kind. awww~

or our little boy, wearing the songkok. how cute!

omg i can imagine it so much now.

snap snap. lets back to reality. i dont know why im thinking about all this, am i like ready for it? t be a wife, to be a mother? (well besides the point that i still dont know how to cook :x but i know how to do other housework kay! like ironing, washing the clothes and all, just that i dont wanna do,only :X)

neways, yeah. i pity my boyfriend sometime.its like he is 4 years older than me, and its like i know he is ready to be a father. to have his own child. (besides the point that not financially stable yet,)

there was just this one time, we went to eat. then we saw this young married couple with a cute little girl, i think. and ridzman kept entertaining the baby. with those kind of actions that makes a baby would smile or laugh? its like he is good with kids. he really is.

and im sure he will be a very good dad. otherwise, im not sure if i will be a good mum?

one thing for sure, i wont control my kids like how ive been controlled by my own parents. feels like prison

so yeah, i feel that boyfriend, has to wait for me. its like he shud be married now! and he should be a father now, like my brother? he got married when he is 24? isnt that ridzman's age now? :(

sorry baby. sorry that u have to wait for me. to settle down and all. i havent even get a proper job. shucks. i feel miserable than ever :(

then it comes to a point that im thinking about the life me and my husband (as again, insyaallah, my current boyfriend, ridzman) will have. him with working shifts? i dont like him working shifts. i dont like at all. we talked about this before, and we came to a compromise that one weekday off and one weekend off. but i dont think thats enuf, for me or for our children.

(he did made his point saying that if he works office hour jobs, that means he wont have time for me now, well okay. understand.)

but the future? i want him to be here for me and the children on the weekends. its family day on weekend. we can go out grocerry shopping or go to our in-laws? isnt that nice?

he grew up in a family that works shifts, his mum and dad. but mine isnt, my parents are always here. (that explains why my life feels like prison)

i grew up in time when i always go out with my parents on weekends. i wanna do that in the future with my own husband. stay in bed till late, just the both of us, going out together. and all.

i really want him to change job in the future, ill help him find an office hour job. for the both of us. for the family. (but he is just so stubborn :X) and i dont want him to work as a salesperson till the end of time or something? its just not right. he is married, he couldnt be selling clothes all his life right? :(

i think thats basically all that?

he got me a little annoyed in the afternoon. took picture with some girl just because today is her last day at work. chinese not so bad u know. but malay -.-

how can i not be jealous? who cares if its her last day. sorry i dont. he could have just said "no ty."

im trying my best to be like i used to be last time. doing anything to make this work.

doing anything that i can to be like how we used to be, way back before he works at RWS, much more before he ORD.

whenever i walked infront of the watch shop at JP2, it reminds me of something.

"the time when boyfriend has this thingy at the Singapore Discovery Centre. and he said that we could meet that day during his lunch? so i think i skipped lesson on that day? if im not wrong :X its like the early month of our relationship i think. before he ord, which is before april. so its somewhere between feb and march? which is like 2 years ago? :O whaaa.

anyways. i rmbred going to the watch job at jp, and got him a watch. i once asked him if he ever wore a watch but yada yada yada. (cant remember that little details) so i went to jpt somewhere in the afternoon, and got him a watch. i think i can roughly rmbr how it looks like. :X so i bought him a watch and went to Japan home and bought a cute diy gift box.

i found directions to the Singapore Discovery Centre. and i was like a bit scared when i took that bus because there are like so many banglas :X but im like, its okay i wanna meet boyfriend. i wanna pass him the watch. thank god there was this makcik beside me, waiting for the same bus also, and she told me the bus is always late, soo yada yada yada, little details.

got the bus, finally and sat behind the makcik and i asked her, this bus go to SDC? and she said yea, just two-three bustop after her stop. so yeah. inside the bus, i transfered his watch to the gift box that i bought at Japan Home. and looked out for my stop.

so yeah i stopped and met him at the traffic light or something and we walked to the nearest Burger King. and i think only that day he started to realise that i dont eat burger, but instead i ate hershey pie instead. soo we talked and its like, waaa, feels like we are young kids falling in love. lols!

so i remembered, after he is done with his food, i asked him to close his eyes and puts the gift box on his hand. he opened it up and he was kinda suprised?

awww i rmbr those days so much by heart. and it felt like as if those things happened just yesterday. "

i want things to be like how we used to be. spending the day. you bring me to explore singapore. i miss those days. really. i miss those days when we were still shy with each other. those "young" days when we first fall in love with each other. it was just so.. calm...

the first time we met, at Jurong east, the last few cabins towards Boon Lay? i waited for him after my fundamental electronics exam/lab test. scary much. it felt so fresh in my head! when we first saw each other, its like we were first shy but we started talking, so its like we instantly clicked.

we ate at banquet and infront of the jewellery shop, idk what. he hold my hands. and whenever i walked pass there, i keep seeing the reflection of us when we held hands.

oh man why am i being so emo.... :(

i miss him so badly.

im still 20 and its only april. i have 8 months to turning 21.

and im thinking about married and all. maybe im just too free.

i think i just saw the girl that took picture with boyfriend. i havent see it with her yet. but i can imagine. i think she is the one. im feeling so jealous :( im feeling so miserable. haish.